My Fellow Bloggers,
Today is an historic occasion here in the Blogosphere. What I am about to publicly reveal has been a closely guarded secret, years in the making. It was recognized, long ago, that we had a problem in our discussion threads, an intolerable problem that all too often made any real, constructive discussion here--and across a whole host of other blogs--virtually impossible. Although not attributable to any one blog, group, or person, it collectively became known as "The Darrell Problem", whereby any discussion thread--no matter how focused--could easily be derailed into pointless squabbling and bickering by only a handful of inflammatory, tangential and offtopic comments, without regard to their informational content. Today, we have the solution to that problem.
Roughly two years ago, the Progressive Blogger Working Task Force (an arm of the DLC, elected by a secret rotating council of delegates overseen by permanent members such as Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, and Ward Churchill) started a highly classified project--"The Hindenburg Project"--to find an amicable solution to this problem. We have pondered far and wide, vigorously debating and seeking wise council both within and outside the Democratic party. However, we were stymied, and often tied up in long and pointless inter-party ideological debates over a whole host of issues, until we agreed to focus on the true nature and character of the problem, and those involved. This study solidifed around several case studies, ultimately choosing Balloon Juice poster `
Darrell' as emblematic of the greater problem with blog discussion. We had to figure out what made this `Darrell' character tick, and how best to deal with him, and those like him.
However, we couldn't. For a year, we found ourselves unable to reason, understand, identify, or empathize with him in the slightest. So we consulted with our progressive experts in literally every scientific field, including psychology, criminology and anthropology, biology, chemistry, and physics, astronomy, astrology, the occult, herbalism, crystallography, and even phrenology. And although we were able to speculate about a number of likely personal characteristics, we were still unable to understand the Darrell enigma. So, with a heavy heart, we returned to the field of politics.
Having squandered our budget on research, travel expenses, and the occasional African junket, exhausted, dispirited, and back in our DC area complex, instead of giving up, we explored our last option: The Dark Side. That's right, we talked to Republican operatives about our problem! They ended up being surprisingly helpful after we talked to our leadership and made a few small concessions (relating to funding decisions for an insignificant primary race in Ohio), eventually we had several high-level meetings with the greatest political minds of our time. That's right, we went all the way up to the infamous Karl Rove himself, and he gave us his candid advice.
It was so obvious, I don't know why we didn't see it immediately! All we had to do was return to our original progressive roots as Democrats. We were so blinded by our ideological biases and prejudices that we had strayed from our core principles. So now I am happy to announce our two-pronged strategy to stop all the useless fighting, and settle this problem once and for all: surrender, and appeasement. This may sound to some like we're `just giving in', but nothing could be further from the truth--we're meeting on common ground, settling our differences, and finally coming to an understanding with our former opposition.
So, the next time you run into the Darrell, or someone like him, you must resist your prejudicial urge to reflexively and immediately oppose everything he says. Instead, treat him like an old friend, and try to understand him, and agree with him. For we have found that Darrells are highly intelligent and generally have surprising insights about the world that the others surrounding them may never see. And it's very important to note that these intuitive leaps also seem to allow them to deeply understand the American people as a whole, and--perhaps most importantly--to win elections.
That's also why we are pleased to announce today the establishment of a new progressive blogosphere project headed by Daily Kos--the Darrell Intuition Coalition--Kossacks Winning Elections Everywhere Democratically! Once we welcome Darrells everywhere into the fold where they are welcome, and recruit more like-minded individuals, we will then take over the House, the Senate, and the Presidency--and soon after that dominate the Supreme Court as well--and reshape America according to our new shared values!
--The Progressive Blogger Working Task Force
(crossposted on Balloon Juice)